After Due Warning. In Birmingham, England, William Bowson discovered that the falling board which hit him on the head and knocked the cigarette out of his mouth was a "No Smoking" sign.

Occupational Hazard. In Los Angeles, Lillie Elizabeth Simmons filed a claim against the city for $10,669, complained that she had broken her heel when she missed a 30-inch hurdle during a policewoman's test.

Clipped Sheep. In Wayland, N.Y., the Rev. Adelbert Schneider considered the thief who stole the church's lawnmower: "I hope . . . he will be bothered by conscience and return the mower. And if he has no conscience, I hope he cuts his fingers off."

On His Uppers. In Sydney, Australia, Dental Supplier Kenneth Kemp decided that gravel was too expensive, paved his driveway with several hundred thousand false teeth.

Double Trouble. In Manhattan, Andrew Sheridan, under death sentence for murder, refused to tell how much money he had made before his arrest: "It might incriminate me on my income tax."

Jurist Prudence. In Memphis, Judge John W. Wilson recessed court for five minutes when Juror Ewell P. Thompson announced that he had to go out and put another nickel in the parking meter.

Cruel & Unusual. In Omaha, Grocer Amil Martin explained how he had dealt with an armed hold-up man: "I began sacking groceries and just ignored him." The thug finally gave up, said "Okay, Mac, you win," went away emptyhanded.

The Thought Behind It. In Los Angeles, Mrs. Solomon W. Laykin, suing for divorce, had a complaint (her husband denied it): she said that he liked to show off before friends by presenting her with a $1,000 check, which he would tear up after the guests had gone home.

Cold Kiss. In London, the Medical Press rather reluctantly recommended a foreign custom to Britons: "The adoption of the French mode of kissing on both cheeks would diminish the prevalence of common colds."

Higher Education. In Teaneck, N.J., Louis Rich, 85, enrolled as a freshman at Bergen Junior College, explained: "I'm sick & tired of just the movies and radio."

Don't Look Now. In Tacoma, Wash., police were hunting for the self-conscious burglar who turned Policeman George Paul's picture to the wall while he was robbing the apartment of Paul's sister.

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