THE STORIES THEY TELL

In a Warsaw cafe a group of Poles were surreptitiously swapping yarns about the Communist bosses in their country when they noticed that an old friend, a Russian, was listening in gloom and silence. "What's the matter, Vyacheslav," they called to him. "Aren't there any good stories about Communists in Russia?" "Oh, yes," answered the Russian thoughtfully, "Yes, there are. There are many very funny stories." "Well," cried the Poles, "tell us one, Vyacheslav. We won't repeat it. You can't get into any trouble with us." The Russian thought for a long time, then he said, "Dalstroy." "Dalstroy," cried the Poles. "That's not a funny story. That's one of your biggest slave-labor projects in Siberia." "That's right," said the Russian, "but some tellers of very funny stories helped to build it."

An old Zionist was discussing the future of their country with an immigrant newly arrived in Israel. "We have a great task before us here," he said. "We must make of Israel everything that Moses foresaw for the promised land." "Indeed we must," said the newcomer. "We must make a Switzerland of Israel," the oldtimer went on. "East and West may fight all around us, but we must keep ourselves detached from it as the Swiss have done with their policy of strict neutrality." "Yes, yes," said the newcomer. "We have few natural resources, but we must develop specialized industries and skills as the Swiss have," said the oldtimer. "Like the Swiss we must work hard to cultivate our lands and nourish our herds. Do you understand?" "Yes," said the newcomer, "all but one thing." "And what is that?" "Why didn't Moses keep on walking till he got to Switzerland?"

The international set at Istanbul was telling a true one on wealthy and open-handed Indian Ambassador Diwan Chaman Lall. Despite a 10% service charge tacked on to all his bills at the famed Park Hotel, Ambassador Lall knew well that the hotel's underpaid staff would be expecting tips when he left. So one day recently before rushing to catch the Ankara Express, he armed himself with a handful of crisp banknotes to take care of them. Sure enough, when he checked out, there was an expectant echelon of busboys, waiters, doormen, bellmen, telephone girls and elevator operators all lined up with outstretched hand by the hotel desk. Racing for his taxicab, the diplomat slapped a bill into each eager hand along the line and finally reached the street. Then he turned, stopped, stared in dismay for two seconds and returned to snatch back the last bill. It had been pressed into the proffered hand of Turkey's President Inonu, who had just dropped by to bid the Indian farewell.

In a Communist-dominated European capital a newly appointed minister was interviewing two applicants for a job. Each claimed a simon-pure record in the party. "Look here," boasted Boris, "I've been to Moscow three times. I've been a party member for 26 years and I've read every word that Karl Marx ever wrote." "That's nothing," crowed Nikolai, "I was a Resistance leader. I fought in the underground. I have a signed letter from Lenin, and I've been a party member since the day I was born."

"Well," said the bewildered minister, "that's wonderful. Both of you have excellent records, but I still can't decide which of you is the better Communist." "Very well," said Boris, drawing his revolver and shooting Nikolai neatly through the head. "This should answer that question."

In a state primary school in Communist Budapest, a Hungarian teacher asked ten-year-old Istvan to compose a sentence containing a dependent clause. "Our cat had ten kittens," said Istvan, "of which all were Communists." "Excellent," said the teacher. "Exactly right. Be sure you do as well next week when the government supervisors come." The following week she asked the prize student the same question. "Our cat," said Istvan, "had ten kittens, of which all were Social Democrats." "Why, Istvan," cried the teacher, "that's absurd. That's not what you said last week. Last week your kittens were all Communist." "I know," said Istvan, "but since then their eyes have opened."

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