Notebook

By Harriet Barovick, Tam M. Gray, Daniel S. Levy, Lina Lofaro, Alain Sanders and David Van Biema

WINNERS & LOSERS

[WINNERS]

KING HUSSEIN Leaves Mayo Clinic to engage in talks with Netanyahu. Once again, in the right place at the right time

MIKE TYSON Board says he's mentally fit to box, can now let men hit him in the head. O.K.--what's unfit?

TONY GWYNN His team lost, but this great hitter and classy competitor got to shine on the main stage

[LOSERS] BILL GATES Contradicted and embarrassed by his e-mail. Gives a whole new meaning to the term killer app

SOLDIERS, SAILORS, MARINES Can't use "contemptuous words" about Clinton. They can die for freedom but can't practice it

GRANDPA AL LEWIS Munsters star, up for N.Y. Gov., can't appear as Grandpa on ballot. And no "Gomer" Pataki

CAMPAIGN TEXTBOOK: HOW TO HANDLE A GAFFE

Last week, in a private meeting with Jewish supporters, Senator Al D'Amato called his opponent, Representative Charles Schumer, a "putzhead," which is a vulgar Yiddish insult. When Schumer took umbrage, D'Amato offered this state-of-the-art response:

STEP 1 Feign ignorance. "I don't know. I don't remember. It certainly was not for any public, ehh..."

STEP 2 Deny it happened. "I have no knowledge of ever doing it. I just don't. I think it's ridiculous...I would never, I have not engaged in that. I wouldn't engage in it. I haven't done it. Why am I going to do it now?"

STEP 3 O.K., O.K., admit it. Although just in a private letter. Which somehow gets into the hands of the media: "The Yiddish word I used to describe you at a private meeting means 'fool.'"

STEP 4 And even though you've completely ignored the common meaning of the word, pat yourself on the back for your courage: "I stand by my remark 100%."

STEP 5 Now quickly blame the victim for being insulted. "You are trying to twist that into a religious slur...I urge you to stop this transparent politically motivated attack."

STEP 6 Pray that with just a little more than a week to go until Election Day, the blunder isn't fatal.

BIG TROUBLE

BOOM! Last week a column on the Christian Coalition website www.cc.org assessed the consequences of the Y2K problem. So apocalyptic were its findings that we checked the Bible to see if Armageddon will be worse.

SOURCE THE Y2K COLUMN REVELATION

Problem Computers can't read 2000 End of the world

What will "...looting, robbery, gang Plagues, fire happen warfare...Many watches and brimstone will not roll over"

Villain Clinton...first dictator" "Great red dragon"

What to do Hoard food, water and bullets Pray

PHYSIOLOGY

CHANGES This week John Glenn blasts off to find out what space does to a 77-year-old body. Here's what NASA knows about what space does to younger bodies:

--Backbone elongates --Muscles and bones weaken --Face gets fuller --Chest gets bigger --Legs and thighs get thinner

In general, what's above the waist gets bigger; what's below shrinks.

VERSE

NOT LEAVES OF GRASS Workman Press is publishing Poetry Under Oath, a collection of poems edited from the testimony of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Here are two examples:

THE WORD "IS"

It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is If the-- if he-- if "is" means is and never has been that is not-- that is one thing If it means there is none that was a completely true statement--Clinton

PIZZA

And when the pizza came I went down To let him know That the pizza was there... I said I needed to pack And he said, "Well why don't You bring me some pizza?" So I asked him If he wanted Vegetable Or meat--Lewinsky

GOODS

I LOVE THIS...SHOP? O.K., you might own something with the logo of an NBA team on it. You might even own something with the logo of the NBA itself on it. But at the new NBA Store in Manhattan, they're hoping you'll want something with the logo of the NBA Store on it.

NUMBERS

45 Percentage of high school students who say a person sometimes has to lie or cheat in order to succeed

15 Number of times Bill Clinton refused to answer questions in his Paula Jones deposition, saying the question was asked solely to harass, embarrass or humiliate him

66 million People worldwide who are 80 years old or older

370 million Number expected in that group by 2050

9 The number that two rhesus monkeys have reached so far in an understanding of the concept of numbers; it is assumed they will go much higher

45 The number that rats have reached

$2 million Amount Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa have made in endorsements since breaking Roger Maris' home-run record

$40 million to $60 million Amount Michael Jordan will make this year for endorsements

Sources: Josephson Institute of Ethics, N.Y. Post, Reuters, Elizabeth M. Brannon & Herbert S. Terrace, N.Y. Times, Wall Street Journal