People

By Michele Orecklin

FEUDS OF THE WEEK

Last week was a particularly contentious one among the ranks of the celebrated, providing a veritable folly of feuds. No need to question our judges: there's not a draw among them.

Kate Moss vs. Claudia Schiffer

AGE: 25 OCCUPATION: waifish British supermodel BEST PUNCH: Former Johnny Depp squeeze reportedly called Schiffer's engagement to magician David Copperfield "phony and tasteless," suggesting they were really in love with each other's fame

AGE: 28 OCCUPATION: tall German supermodel BEST PUNCH: Used recently rehabbed Moss as the prime example of a group of models who don't take their jobs seriously enough and seem to spend more energy on partying than posing

WINNER: Moss. In the big wars, Brits always beat Germans

Dacula High School Band vs. Rosie

AGE: varied OCCUPATION: promoting football team BEST PUNCH: Claiming Rosie canceled their appearance on her show after they raised $81,000 to get to New York City, stormed local media, including Fox News Channel and Live with Regis & Kathie Lee

AGE: 37 OCCUPATION: promoting celebrities BEST PUNCH: In an on-air rebuttal claimed the band had never been confirmed; said she would not give in to "blackmail" and called band leader Doug Harkness "ingenious" but of questionable ethics

WINNER: Dacula. Turned own hickish goof into brush with fame

Sean Penn vs. Nicolas Cage

AGE: 38 OCCUPATION: Moody artist BEST PUNCH: Told the New York Times that "Nic Cage is no longer an actor. He could be again, but now he's more like a... performer." Later cited Cage film Snake Eyes as an example of soulless movie making

AGE: 35 OCCUPATION: Manic actor BEST PUNCH: Said onetime close friend Penn stabbed him in the back by making nasty comments a day after visiting Cage and wife Patricia Arquette. According to Cage, "The door to our friendship is now closed"

WINNER: Arquette. She no longer has to host unstable Penn

Courtney Love vs. Marilyn Manson

AGE: 33 OCCUPATION: singer/starlet impersonator BEST PUNCH: Quit as Manson's opening act over "production problems," but early in the tour stormed off stage after a hostile greeting from Manson fans and told an L.A. audience Manson was "evil"

AGE: 30 OCCUPATION: singer/Satan impersonator BEST PUNCH: Repeatedly apologized to fans for their having to sit through Love's set; after Love quit, said, "I think our fans will be a lot happier that they don't have to endure that hour and 15 minutes

WINNER: Manson. He exposed Love's thin celebrity skin

JUST CALL O.J. AT 1-800-RU JOKING

Drawing upon his experience as a professional pitchman (Hertz) and murder defendant (Trial of the Century), O.J. SIMPSON has taped a series of ads for Justice Media, a lawyer-referral service. Simpson says the offer to appear in the television commercials interested him because the ads are aimed at minorities, who often don't have enough money or connections to get first-class attorneys. "The main thing I have learned is you can't walk into a courtroom without competent legal representation," Simpson told the Associated Press. The ads have yet to appear, but Justice Media plans to sell them to participating law firms across the U.S., which can then televise them in their areas. Simpson says he was reimbursed only for his expenses, meaning he will need to find some other form of gainful employment to pay off the $33.5 million in civil damages he owes to the estates of his ex-wife Nicole and Ronald Goldman, for whose deaths he was found liable.

GOWNS TO GO AROUND

Last week gowns worn to bygone Oscar ceremonies were auctioned at Christie's to raise money for AmFAR. The following conclusions can be drawn from the results:

--Fashionably speaking, Liz Taylor's worth dropped roughly 85% in 17 years: her 1969 dress (1) fetched the evening's highest bid, $167,500, while her 1986 dress sold for $25,300.

--A good dress is better than a good voice: Madonna's dress (2), the second most expensive of the night, sold for nearly three times as much as Celine Dion's.

--Marlene Dietrich + Jamie Lee Curtis = Uma Thurman. A gown worn first by Dietrich, then by Curtis (3), netted the same price as one worn by Thurman alone.

--Some people refuse to get off the Titanic: Kate Winslet's dress sold for $57,500, the third most expensive at auction.

--Cloris Leachman should earn $10.5 million for her next film: a Richard Tyler gown worn by Julia Roberts, who earns $20 million a picture, sold for $9,775; Leachman's gown, also designed by Tyler, sold for $5,175.

Nobody beats Diana. At an auction in 1997, the Princess's used gowns averaged $41,250 a dress; the Oscar dresses: $14,037 a dress.

HE'S NO ROOK(IE)

Most chess champions play their first game before age five. MAURICE ASHLEY didn't start until he was 14, but it didn't take long to recognize that he had a knack with a knight. Last week, at age 33, he became the first African-American grand master in history and one of only 45 grand masters in the U.S. He won the title, the highest distinction bestowed by the International Chess Federation, after besting a Romanian grand master at a New York City tournament. The victory came on Ashley's home turf: until 18 months ago, when he joined the professional circuit full time, he coached young players in Harlem. Now he says he would like to open a chess center there but does not plan to settle back into full-time teaching. "I'm still a beginner, as far as I'm concerned," he says. "There's so much to learn."

BRING BAYWATCH TO YOUR TOWN

With various Australian sites looking dead in the water and attempts to frolic in Hawaii possibly beached because of Teamsters conflicts, Baywatch is still looking for its next port of call. Executive producer Greg Bonann says no decisions have yet been finalized as to where the show will drop anchor next season. In other words, it's not too late to bag Baywatch for your hometown, provided it fits the bill:

--Do you have a local plastic surgeon who can perform emergency liposuction/breast augmentation?

--Is it an easy commute for NBA players and rock stars?

--How large is the local David Hasselhoff fan club?

--Is the waxing establishment adept with the male chest?

--In 20 words or less, describe your local paparazzi.

--Do you have pneumatic locals to serve as extras?