People

By Josh Tyrangiel

DON'T HATE HER BECAUSE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL

The plastic-surgery debate is over: if three hours under the knife can transform LINDA TRIPP into a Rene Russo doppelganger, rhinoplasty should be covered by universal health care. According to the National Enquirer, Tripp, tired of being a national punch line, visited Beverly Hills, Calif., surgeon Geoffrey Keyes, who resculpted her nose, removed the bags from under her eyes and sucked fat from her neck, chin and other parts. "It's amazing," marveled Lucianne Goldberg to the New York Post. "It looks like she's had a head transplant." Almost. Meanwhile, Tripp dyed her hair and shed 40 lbs. through diet and exercise, and she's trying to drop 20 more. Perhaps she should phone old pal Monica Lewinsky, who recently lost 31 lbs. for Jenny Craig. Or perhaps not.

HELLO, NEW MAN

Pity JERRY SEINFELD. Sure, he's got gobs of money and a beautiful new wife, fashion publicist JESSICA SKLAR, 28, who was married only once before, and that was briefly. But for the rest of his days he'll be trailed by tiresome Seinfeldisms. I DO YADA YADA YADA, blared the New York Post following Seinfeld's Christmas Day nuptials, while the Chicago Tribune proclaimed, SEINFELD ADDS NEW WIFE TO HIS DOMAIN. The simple, traditional affair--reportedly paid for by Sklar's parents--was held in a loft in New York City's East Village. Comedian George Wallace served as best man; the other George did not attend (nor did Elaine or Kramer). Guests dined on crab hors d'oeuvres, lamb and chocolate cake with white frosting, prompting the Orlando Sentinel to muse, DID THE SOUP NAZI DO THE CATERING? Poor Jerry.

AND DON'T USE "LARRY KING"

'N SYNC needs a new alias. Members of the wholesome pop quintet have been checking into hotels under the pseudonym Ron Jeremy, star of such X-rated fare as Wild Wild Chest and Black Cherry Co-Eds 3. This was fine until the real RON JEREMY took a room at the Westin in Edmonton, Alta., while the band was there. He was bombarded with phone calls from baby-sitters around the globe (apparently the alias isn't much of a secret) hoping to speak to their favorite 'N Sync-er. "I had some of the funniest conversations with these 12-year-old girls," Jeremy says, although the former high school teacher insists he kept it clean. Upon checking out, Jeremy left the boys an autographed photo and a message: "Love and kisses from the real Ron Jeremy. P.S. Call Melissa from Vancouver."

FEUD OF THE WEEK

NAME: JOHN ("MEANY") IRVING OCCUPATION: Crotchety writer BEST PUNCH: "I can't read him because he's such a bad writer... If I were teaching f___ing freshman English, I couldn't read [a Wolfe] sentence and not just carve it up."

NAME: TOM ("RIGHT STUFF") WOLFE OCCUPATION: Writer who may wear crochet BEST PUNCH: "Why does he sputter and foam so? Because he, like Updike and Mailer, has panicked. All three have seen the handwriting on the wall, and it reads, A Man in Full."

WINNER: Thomas Pynchon, who keeps his opinions to himself