Notes From Your Parents

By Modern Humorist

"Students who want to take advantage of Bob Jones University's decision to drop its ban on interracial dating will need a note from their parents." --The Associated Press, March 7, 2000

Dear Bob Jones University,

Please allow my son to court Linda Garland, a student of African-American descent. We recognize that hand-holding may become a possibility. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Dear Smith College,

Please allow our daughter Jenny to explore her sexual orientation through sustained intimate contact with the other young ladies. We loved "If These Walls Could Talk 2."

Dear Stanford University,

Please allow my son to change his major from computer science to comparative literature. (We're already rich.)

Dear Oral Roberts University,

Please allow my daughter to accept salvation through works rather than through faith alone. It's the only way we can get her to clean her room!

Dear Topeka School Board,

Please allow my son to bring in his favorite stuffed animal, Curious George, to Show and Tell. He is in no way implying that he and the monkey share a common ancestry.

Dear PriceWaterhouseCoopers,

Please allow my daughter, Sheryl Wilson, Manager of Information Systems, to attend the birthday gathering for Eric Stevens, Human Resources Director, at 4 p.m. in Conference Room 2. She will make up for it by working through dinner.

Dear Academy,

Please allow my son, Haley Joel Osment, to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. He sees dead people.

Dear Tower Records,

PLEASE ALLOW MY DAUGHTER TO BUY CHRISTINA AGUILERA'S HIT SINGLE "GENIE IN A BOTTLE." AFTER CLOSE TEXTUAL ANALYSIS, I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE LYRIC "RUB ME THE RIGHT WAY" IS NOT CHARMLESS INNUENDO, BUT RATHER THAT IT DESCRIBES THE MOST COMMON METHOD FOR RELEASING GENIES FROM BOTTLES.

Dear Republican National Committee,

Please allow my son to run for president. I appreciate your concerns, but I am sure you'll find that George W. is interested, alert and eager to learn.

Modern Humorist www.modernhumorist.com) an online magazine, will launch this spring