Family Fighting

By Amy Dickinson

Imagine a life without siblings: there would be no bickering or living-room wrestling matches or noogies. Forty-one percent of American families get to run noogieless households, with only one child present. But for the rest, and for the increasing number of families that are blending stepchildren together, relationships among brothers and sisters are of paramount concern--as they should be. As one of four children--the one who was once caught fighting with a sister over a ball of lint--I can say with authority that positive sibling relationships can be a source of strength for life, whereas unresolved early conflicts can create wounds that never quite heal.

Families caught in a spiral of sibling fighting may tell themselves it's a normal part of growing up; they may not realize that they can change the dynamic--and that they should.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, co-authors of the helpful handbook Siblings Without Rivalry, began to explore sibling conflict while their children were growing up and fighting. Faber and Mazlish emphasize that parents shouldn't compare a kid with a sibling--even favorably. Most parents know better than to ask, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" But any comparison pits one child against another; it subtly sabotages their relationship when a parent says, "You're much better organized than your sister." Each child should be appreciated individually--though not necessarily equally--and should be praised as if he were an only child.

Parents can't intervene in every kids' quarrel, but neither can they abdicate. They should establish a "no-hitting, no-hurting" rule, so kids will know they are expected to work out their problems peacefully, sometimes with assistance. A parent can be helpful by listening to each side and then framing the problem aloud: "So, I see that you're really mad because..." Depending on the severity of the problem, a parent might then express confidence that the kids can solve it and leave the room.

Parents should intervene directly, however, whenever an argument turns violent. Most kids hate fighting--even when they're winning. They do it because they don't have other tools for dealing with their frustrations. Fighters should be separated to cool off, and a parent should later listen to both parties, asking the kids to help come up with a solution. The parent shouldn't cast one child as a bully and the other as the victim; fights among siblings are seldom this simple.

Parents also may need to intervene, even before things turn violent, if persistent verbal abuse between siblings is leaving one or both constantly angry or with depleted confidence.

My parents defused our sibling fights by enforcing some unusual ground rules at home. My siblings and I were told to treat the word hate like a forbidden swear word. We also couldn't tell one another to "shut up." Without access to this sort of incendiary language, fighting was less satisfying. And although no one ever insisted that I had to like my brother and sisters (yuck!), we were expected to be grudgingly loyal to one another. This was driven home to me the time my big sisters intervened in a problem I was having with a playmate by telling the kid, "You can't beat up our little sister--that's our job!"

See our website at time.com/personal for more about sibling rivalry. You can send Amy an e-mail at [email protected]