Jenny Thompson

By Joel Stein

Swimmer Jenny Thompson has won more gold medals than any other American woman in Olympic history

Q. What the hell are you wearing?

A. Gold chain mail. I melted my gold.

Q. That's Gary Hall Jr. over there?

A. Yeah.

Q. What's up with his hair?

A. He's got great hair.

Q. He's got Elvis hair. I wish we had done this before, when we were sober.

A. No. It's better drunk.

Q. What's with Inge de Bruijn wearing all that makeup in the pool? That's not very athlete-like.

A. I know some swimmers who have tattooed makeup. I didn't notice that Inge wore makeup.

Q. Have you urinated in the Olympic pool?

A. Yes. Yes, I have.

Q. No, you have not.

A. I pee in the pool several times a day. Of course I pee in the Olympic pool. Not during races, however. During the warmup. Peeing in the pool is very common among competitive swimmers because your coaches don't let you get out during practice. I even mastered peeing while swimming.

Q. I missed all the swimming because at night I was eating at expense-account restaurants. Did you win anything?

A. I'm not telling you because you weren't there. We won some relays, and I won a bronze.

Q. That's not bad. Because gold is a little tacky, in my opinion.

A. Don't you like my shirt?

Q. It's nice, but silver goes with more stuff.

A. Exactly. I prefer silver. But I didn't win any.

--By Joel Stein